Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize