I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize