Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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