my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
