Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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