In the future we'll all be gay
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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