Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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