I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
