I wanna passion pit in your ass
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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