I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
