So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Randomize
