omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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