I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
