I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
