Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
