Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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