The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
