this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
