My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Randomize
