Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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