apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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