If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
