I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
These tits shall not be calmed
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
