my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
