Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
