Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
