Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
