They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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