My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
