I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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