wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
