"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
