Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
