I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
