Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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