we made out on top of his cat.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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