just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
