someone owes me an orgasm
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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