Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
