the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just found puke in my bra..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
