At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
