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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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