She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
