The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
