I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
