I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize