So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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