Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
