I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
