I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i think i have two assholes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
