I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
