Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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