I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
