My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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