so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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