currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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