He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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