My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
