it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
