someone get that fucking seahorse.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
