I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
