Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
