I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
