Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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