Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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