I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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