Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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